So you think your family is miserable?
Well I have a few questions for you.
Does the thought of attending the big family reunion fill you with dread? And not ordinary dread: death, illness, or your aunt’s potato salad. But that crazy buried alive in a coffin filled with spiders type of dread…and your aunt’s potato salad?
Are they all going to be there: Grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, Cousin It, that cousin that everyone thinks is a hobbit, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, not so great-grandchildren, in-laws, outlaws, felons, those who aren’t felons, but who have court date pending, significant others, insignificant others, and that weird guy with the eye-patch that doesn’t seem to belong to any particular family, but who always seems to be there?
Do you equate spending the day with the extended family with that disturbing dentist/torture scene from The Marathon Man?
When you’re with the extended family, do you wistfully think of Dustin Hoffman’s character from The Marathon Man, and think: lucky bastard?
Does the family raging around you, have the same effect on your brain as a sweaty 300 pound construction worker pounding on your skull with a jack hammer, while he lustily puffs cigar smoke in your face and curses at you in Portuguese?
Does the date of your family reunion on your calendar have the word, Armageddon, written across it in blood?
Does it bother you that you don’t know whose blood it is?
As the date of the family reunion approaches, do you feel like a lemming speeding toward the cliff, but there’s nothing you can do about it?
If that is how you feel–then this blog is for you.