“Have you tried my famous seven layer salad?” Beatrice Klosner asks you.
Beatrice is engaged to your cousin Bradley. She is willingly joining your family despite your repeated warnings and the voluminous amount of evidence at her disposal.
“Everybody has tried your famous seven layer salad–you push it like a crack dealer.”
“I just want make sure everyone is happy.”
“These people? The group of people that are assembled here? You want make sure this menagerie of dysfunction and horror is happy?”
“Do you plan on sacrificing a small animal or kicking a puppy; because you’re way off track on what you think makes these people happy.”
“Oh, they are so not that bad.”
“It has mushrooms,” Aunt Pamela interrupts.
“I make it with mushrooms,” Beatrice explains.
“It’s not supposed to have mushrooms,” Aunt Pamela continues.
“It really isn’t,” Cousin Martha confirms.
“You can make it with mushrooms if you want,” Beatrice defends herself.
“May I ask you a question, Niece Martha?”
“Yes you may, Aunt Pamela.”
“What does seven added to one equal, Niece Martha?”
“I do believe that equals eight, Aunt Pamela.”
“A bunch of geniuses we have in this family,” you say under your breath.
“That’s right, Niece Martha, it equals eight…eight layers”
“I leave out the celery, so it still comes to seven layers,” Beatrice says.
“So you leave out the celery and you add mushrooms,” Aunt Pamela exclaims with mock astonishment, “That is not a seven layer salad in my book. Is it Niece Martha?”
“It most certainly is not, Aunt Pamela.”
“That’s how I make it,” Beatrice maintains.
Aunt Pamela and Cousin Martha just stare at Beatrice with disbelief and not a small amount of disdain.
“And these are people you want to make happy?” You ask Beatrice. “Run, Beatrice. Run as fast as you can away from these people.”
“Just don’t run into a tree,” Cousin Bucky adds.
“Unlike that stupid girl who ran into the tree, your Grandmother says I fit in perfectly with the family,” Beatrice tells you as she beams.
“She does have the delusion and misplaced sense of pride required for membership in this family,” Cousin Bucky points out.
“Your grandmother told me I’m already one of you.”
“That’s what Jim Jones said to his people as he handed them a glass of Kool-Aid,” you tell her.
“I don’t like the Monkees,” Beatrice tells you, “their music is too bubblegum pop. I like Nickleback–they’re deep.”
“I’m not sure where to begin with this. I think you’re thinking of Davy Jones who was a member of the Monkees.”
“No. Davy Jones was that squid-faced character from the Lord of the Rings movies.”
“Okay, Davy Jones was a mythical figure that sailors believed presided over the evil spirits of the deep. He was portrayed as a squid-faced character in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.”
“No,” Beatrice says with confidence, “the Davy Jones character was in the Orlando Bloom movies.”
“Yes,” you say with exasperation, “Orlando Bloom was in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.”
“Okay fine,” Beatrice capitulates. “Davy Jones, the squid-faced character, was in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.”
“Thank you,” you say feeling a sense of relief.
“So Davy Jones wasn’t in the Monkees,” Beatrice says defiantly.
You sigh in capitulation. “You’re going to fit in perfectly in this family.”
“Do you know who won’t be running away from this family any time soon?” Uncle Finster says to you. “Rodney–someone let him get shot in the leg today.”
It’s going to be a long day.